Melt the Vote

Our issue this Thursday: The Defense of Grilled Cheese Sandwich Act.

With us today are Doris Curds Goodwin, whose latest book is Cream of Rivals: Cow, Sheep, Goat and What Went by the Whey-Side; Carl Holstein of the Washed Rind Post, who famously exposed the Ricottagate scandal; and Bob Cojack, of the Manchego-Fun Times.

Host: Welcome everyone. When eaters go to the polls during National Grilled Cheese Month, they will not only vote for and eat their favorite sandwiches, they will also consider a number of ballot initiatives. One of the most controversial of these partisan cheese measures is the Defense of Grilled Cheese Sandwich Act, which seeks to amend the U.S. Grilled Cheese Sandwich Code to quote "make explicit what has been understood under federal grilled cheese law for over 200 years; that a grilled cheese sandwich is the union of two slices of bread with cheese." end quote. Doris Curds Goodwin, why has this measure generated such a firestorm?

Doris Curds Goodwin: Well, on the one hand you have the so-called Delicious Right, which refuses to concede that a grilled cheese sandwich can take any form other than the most traditional. A tuna melt is fine, as long as it has two slices of bread, and doesn't flaunt it's filling the way that the open-faced under-the-broiler version tends to do. And on the other side you have the Queso Ecumenicals, who are adamant about protecting alternative grilled cheesestyles.

Carl Holstein: Doris is right, this has really become a wedge issue, with each side accusing the other of trying to legislate deliciousness. And now you have Rush Limburger exorting his listeners to cross over and vote for the Quesadilla in the primary, believing that a Quesadilla win will galvanize grilled cheese conservatives to support the straight American/White-Bread ticket in the general election.

Bob Cojack: Well there are many people in this country who object to what they view as an assault on their most basic grilled cheese traditions. I think there is a legitimate fear that these curd-carrying members of the American Cheddar Liberties Union will try to replace the traditional American on White with Fontina, shiitake mushrooms and salsa verde. Then before you know it, no more tomato soup - we'll be dipping our tartines in vichysoisse!

DCG: But Bob, don't you find it a bit hypocritical that the very same grilled cheese fundamentalists who oppose alternate "sandwich" forms, seem have no problem accepting (and consuming) unorthodox cheese unions like Cambazola and Cheddarella? Indeed you yourself, Mr. Co-jack, have been the beneficiary of this acceptance, have you not? Why would you deny the same legitimacy to all grilled cheese formats?

Host: Before things get too personal, let's take a break and eat some grilled cheese while we still can...